Is HE good?

I have been wrestling, pondering, discussing, thinking, mainly consumed for quite a while by the goodness of God. Probably not in the way that you'd think. This attribute of God is the hardest one for me to believe. How can God be good when I've been through crazy stuff in my life, there's war, famine, etc. Although I know that my own experiences in life have lead me to even entertain these thoughts. The thoughts that doubt the goodness of God.

I know that the process started a lot sooner than this, but the place where I started to confront my disbelief of God's goodness with the Word of God was last summer. We did a whole Bible Study one night on God's goodness to His people. It kind of felt like an inconvenient truth. Over and over and over again in the Bible, people talk about the goodness of God. "Every good and perfect gift comes from above." "The Lord will supply all my need according to His riches in glory." The references continue.

I don't even know how I had come to disbelieve it, but I think that I had failed to protect that belief and slowly the world and my enemy started to chip away at that belief as I saw what was going on around me without looking through the lens of scripture. I stopped being satisfied in what God have given to me and started looking in other places for satisfaction.

I won't say that this issue is laid to rest in my life. You know what, it may never be. However, there have been some things, including the Bible Study that I did that have challenged my thinking and have started me asking the questions: when did I stop believing He is good, and how can I change that? As I opened up with God and told Him what I thought, He started to bring some things into my life. (Sorry for the ensuing list)

1) One of my friends was diagnosed with cancer and this is a blogpost he wrote that rocked me.
2) This song.
3) I realized that I believed that God was withholding good from me. That there were things that I thought i deserved for following Him. I thought i deserved wealth, friendships, a relationship, that I wouldn't have to experience brokenness.
4) This season. How can I believe that God is not good when everyday I see Him at work as I trust Him to go to Berlin. He's providing in more ways than I can ask, think or imagine!

i believe He is good,
Kimberly

Electricity Dependent...

The lights flickered before they went out. The storm that brought darkness at 6pm also brought copious amounts of rain and our lights went out. These lines could no longer hold on against the storm. Here I sit seventeen hours later, and there is still no electricity in my house. I came to the library to send a few emails and on my drive I thought about the night and the morning. How many times I flipped the light switch just out of habit. I definitely did not freak out because I mean there's plenty to do right? Well, everything I thought of doing like checking e-mail, or opening the refrigerator for something to drink, well it takes some amount of energy. How dependent we have become for those currents to come into our house. You know what I'm realizing? I actually like it. How much quieter it is without the hum of the lights, the clocks, the refrigerator. How that does something for my soul. I'm not suggesting that we all go Walden and get rid of everything that needs to be plugged in, but instead that maybe we could unplug some things and just listen.

Beyond that, I wonder this, what if I was dependent on God the way that I'm dependent on the lights or the refrigerator or even running water (which takes electricity). I walk in a room and out of complete habit I flick the switch. Even if I told myself like five seconds ago that the electricity doesn't work. My body has been conditioned to turn the lights on. What if that were true, that I instantly turned to God instead of, well anything else. That it was completely a way of life. Not just a habit for the sake of habits, but one thing that by faith I taught myself to do.

Hoping the lights come on soon,

Kimberly