Is HE good?

I have been wrestling, pondering, discussing, thinking, mainly consumed for quite a while by the goodness of God. Probably not in the way that you'd think. This attribute of God is the hardest one for me to believe. How can God be good when I've been through crazy stuff in my life, there's war, famine, etc. Although I know that my own experiences in life have lead me to even entertain these thoughts. The thoughts that doubt the goodness of God.

I know that the process started a lot sooner than this, but the place where I started to confront my disbelief of God's goodness with the Word of God was last summer. We did a whole Bible Study one night on God's goodness to His people. It kind of felt like an inconvenient truth. Over and over and over again in the Bible, people talk about the goodness of God. "Every good and perfect gift comes from above." "The Lord will supply all my need according to His riches in glory." The references continue.

I don't even know how I had come to disbelieve it, but I think that I had failed to protect that belief and slowly the world and my enemy started to chip away at that belief as I saw what was going on around me without looking through the lens of scripture. I stopped being satisfied in what God have given to me and started looking in other places for satisfaction.

I won't say that this issue is laid to rest in my life. You know what, it may never be. However, there have been some things, including the Bible Study that I did that have challenged my thinking and have started me asking the questions: when did I stop believing He is good, and how can I change that? As I opened up with God and told Him what I thought, He started to bring some things into my life. (Sorry for the ensuing list)

1) One of my friends was diagnosed with cancer and this is a blogpost he wrote that rocked me.
2) This song.
3) I realized that I believed that God was withholding good from me. That there were things that I thought i deserved for following Him. I thought i deserved wealth, friendships, a relationship, that I wouldn't have to experience brokenness.
4) This season. How can I believe that God is not good when everyday I see Him at work as I trust Him to go to Berlin. He's providing in more ways than I can ask, think or imagine!

i believe He is good,
Kimberly

how my adventure began

You are invited to be a part of the Ocean City Project 2009...

Those words were long awaited! Seriously, when I finished my application to project in December, over two months ago, I guess I never really had an inkling of what the Lord would have for me as I waited on him in faith. 

Why project? Why Ocean City? Very difficult questions and ones that I don't necessarily have a solid answer for. I have had the opportunity to see my friends come back from project last summer. What I got to see is what a summer did to them, a summer in the community of believers and one of trusting. What I observed in all was this growth. They knew Jesus more after they had returned. I wanted that then, and I continued to want it and as I asked the Lord if project was for me, I felt at peace to go ahead and fill out an application.

Ocean City. My original leaning was actually towards San Diego. Yes, sun, sand, and the whole manifest destiny thing. As I prayed and asked the Lord and did some seeking of wise counsel and people who knew me and dared to ask them, "Where should I go?" As I asked this question, I saw my heart towards San Diego start to change and go in the direction of Ocean City.

This was all before I even submitted my application.

Then, I finally submitted my application. That was quite an experience in itself. I remember feeling like screaming and throwing up and there were butterflies all around in my stomach. I was no longer in control. I was really going to have to trust God in this one. My prayer for project was "Lord, if you want me to go on summer project, allow me to be accepted, if you don't then I won't be accepted."

I will now fast forward a month to January. The first round of people were hearing back from their project directors and a record number of people from our region had applied, so the projects were all flooded with applications. A girl who had applied to OC as well, heard back that she was on the waiting list.

When I heard that news, I pretty much thought my hopes were over and really was ready wave my white flag and accept that I was going to be on project. Yet, I couldn't. The women in my discipleship group continued to encourage me to continue seeking the Lord until I heard for sure. During this time, our leadership Bible study had started Beth Moore's "Believing God" study. During the homework in my time of in-betweenness and foundering, we were asked to read Romans 4. 

This was no accident, what I found in there were two verses that I clung to and believe that the Lord gave me to grow my faith and trust in Him as I waited for Him to answer my prayers.

"No distrust made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised." (Romans 4:20-21)

Then this week dawned, the week that I had called "The Week of Reckoning". Not only was I waiting to hear back, but so were a handful of my friends. I got a call from one of my friends that he had been accepted to project. Then, when I got home after a night of German conversation, I decided to check my e-mail, I mean what did I have to lose?

And there it was, my answer. As you can imagine, I was ecstatic, I immediately called my mom, but I was unable to have an intelligent conversation, thinking about all that it meant! I pretty much spent the next 2 hours on the phone rejoicing with all the people who had been praying for me and the ones I had talked to.

Praise the Lord that he answers prayers!